Saturday, August 31, 2013

Class of 2026

So earlier this week, this happened:

That's right. My baby girl started kindergarten!

I am so excited for her to begin this next journey in her life. And so is she.

We are blessed in that her preschool extends thru kindergarten, so she will stay at the same facility. She is in the same montessori classroom she has been in since turning three. They will have concentrated kindergarten instruction for two hours every afternoon (coincides with nap time for the younger kids), as well as continuing the montessori approach the rest of the day. There are only six kids in kindergarten, with two teachers who rotate as "lead" teacher.

For those who are good at math (or maybe just memory), yes she is only four years old.

Yes, we are starting her early.

In fact, besides that we love this school and the montessori approach to education, being able to start her early was a big factor in deciding to stay here. Because why else would we pay private school tuition, right?

Well, there were several factors really.

1) Starting her "early". In Kentucky, she misses the cutoff date by less than a week. So while technically she is starting school early, if she had born just one week earlier it would be "on time". After talking to several different resources in the state, we realized that the public school system makes it really hard to start early. The cutoffs are firm, and the only way around them is to subject your child to rigorous testing in an effort to prove they are ready.

2) After school care is taken care of. Since her current facility operates as a daycare / preschool / kindergarten facility, she can stay in one location the entire day. Our local schools have half-day kindergarten. While great for instruction, a nightmare for families with two working parents. We're pushing off the after-school care issue for another year by keeping her in a facility we know & trust.

3) Top-notch education. The facility she is at provides a quality education in a montessori setting. With small classes and excellent teachers who believe in continually challenging kids to reach their fullest potential, we couldn't be more pleased with the education she is receiving there.

4) Continuing her progress. I've written before about our concerns in how to handle Jena's apparent giftedness in certain areas. While she has yet to be formally evaluated, we did recently have a local school administrator, after only talking with Jena a few minutes, and with no comments from us, suggest that we learn a new word in our home: "gifted". Our evaluation appears to be correct.
We mentioned to her teacher that once informal kindergarten assessments are done, we'd like to sit down with her to review them, because we want to make absolutely sure that they know where she is. She immediately responded by telling us that while of course she will be happy to sit down with us after assessments are complete, she already knows that not only is Jena more than ready for kindergarten, she is the most advanced student in the class, despite being the youngest, and both kindergarten teachers have already discussed how to continue challenging her.
Though we're still uncertain exactly how we will proceed in the years to come, we feel confident that by leaving her at this facility she will continue to grow and develop in her abilities. In short, this is a good fit for her.

And so, for all of the reasons above, we started our daughter in kindergarten a year "early", at her current preschool facility.

Wish us luck for a successful first year of school!

Thursday, August 29, 2013

About Me (as told by my daughter)

Wanna have fun? Interview your kids. Their answers are precious.


- What do I do for fun?
Hug me and watch me play. Because my life revolves around my kid. No seriously. Some days it seems like it. But she is a joy to watch.

- What is my favorite TV show?
Just grown up shows. I don't watch a lot of TV in front of her, so there's no reason she would know this answer. I'm not sure I have one favorite anyway.

- What do I like to drink?
Grown up stuff like pop and stuff. Ahhh, yes. Pop. Other than a little Sprite when she's nauseous, she's not permitted to have any soda pop. When she turns five we've told her she can have it on special occasions (holidays, birthdays, etc.), so she's very excited about that, LOL.

- What do I like to eat?
Different kinds of sandwiches with pickles with it. Ha ha. Jena hates pickles, so the fact that I will eat a sandwich with one on it is a source of fascination for her.

- What do I like to read?

Grown up books and my bedtime story. Truth is I don't read nearly enough as I should or I'd like to. Need to work on that. And as much as part of me cherishes the time spent reading Jena's bedtime story, most nights it seems like a chore. But I know one day I'll miss it.... right?

- What do I like to wear?
Whatever clothes you pick out. Well, yeah, LOL.

- What do I do with my friends?
Talk. Yep. She hit the nail on the head with this one.

- What is my favorite song?
Whatever song you think is good. Again. Obvious. The actual answer is the old hymn "It Is Well"

- What do I do when you're at school?
Work. She speaks the truth.

- What do I do when you're in bed?

Watch TV at night and eat breakfast in the morning. She's right. She missed things like laundry, dishes, tidying up, etc. but what shows I do watch tend to happen after she's in bed, and I do try to eat breakfast before she's awake. She's got it.

- What do Mommy & Daddy like to do together?

Talk and do business and stuff. Talking I'm sure comes from the fact that Jena hates it when we have a conversation that doesn't involve her. She'll wait for a lull in the conversation and ask if we can talk about something she can talk with us about. And the business comes from our recent business trip. She was not happy that she was not included. Poor kid.

- What is my job?
(company name). Good job.

this post inspired by this post

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

A Girl and Her Dog

Jena's latest "fun" thing to do is to walk the dogs on a leash

her with Flopsy

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Hurtful Words

I've been struggling a bit with some of Jason's behavior.

Nothing big. No one big thing. Just small comments, here & there, over & over.

Comments about my cooking, housekeeping, me being out of shape, grocery shopping, dealing with Jena, really anything. Some really random & small things, some really random & small comments. But the thing they have in common? They are negative & hurtful.

His words lately I have found hurtful and harsh, but what has compounded it, is that he doesn't seem to realize he's doing it.

I mean, if he meant it, I could be all pissy and angry and just yell at him and get over it.

But he genuinely doesn't seem to realize when he's doing it, and yet he can't seem to stop, even after I've pointed it out.

And then I stumbled across this article that I bookmarked a couple of years ago:

The Hard Conversations: When Harshness is Brought Home

Some key points:

"Firefighters are a tough breed... To cope, to survive, it is only natural that they get a little “hard-hearted.”... Harshness should not and must not be allowed to continue, as it is a very destructive force within a marriage. The answer is this: You must be able to have the hard conversations. Spouses of firefighters must tell them when they are being too harsh, in a constructive way."

If I remember correctly, I wasn't having these issues at the time, but I could see where they might be lurking, so I bookmarked it for future reference. Aren't I glad I did.

Jason is indeed "a tough breed". A man's man. He is strong and tough. I can probably count on one hand the times I have seen his softer side during our marriage. Everything is hidden behind the rough & tough exterior. Yep, that's him.

I don't think this issue is exclusive to rescue workers, but I do think that perhaps there is a greater propensity for it in firefighter marriages, as well as perhaps police, military, etc.

And I do think no matter what the reason, it needs to be addressed. For me the struggle is: how to address the hurtfulness?

How do I mention it, when I've already mentioned it? I don't think there's any one answer. Just as each of us is different, each of our marriages is different, therefore there is no one magic formula that will work for every couple.

So I will bring it up. Again. I will try to do it softly, without nagging or whining. And I will pray that his heart & mind are open to hearing it.

As always, thanks for checking in.

Friday, August 23, 2013

Day at the Park

in the playhouse

checking out the living tee-pee

performing for Mommy on the stage

She is determined to conquer the rings

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

List of Gratitude

If I'm being honest, I've been struggling a lot lately with a lack of gratitude. Well, more precisely I guess you could call it envy. I've watched as some of the people in my circle seem to be getting all of the things I long for. Sometimes it is so precisely exactly what I was wanting, that I almost want to accuse them of doing it just to spite me. Which is ridiculous.

So in an effort to help refocus my mind on what I do have, instead of what I do not, I've decided to do a gratitude post. Enjoy!


I am thankful for:

my husband So many years I spent thinking I would never find anyone to love me (not forever, anyway), that I would possibly never be married, yet here I am. Married for 6 years now to my best friend.

my daughter She is the incarnation of every dream I ever had about motherhood. She is the fulfillment of my calling, my reason for existence. She amazes me every day.

our home I've always wanted to own land. Our little ranch house on 5.5 acres is perfect. Sure, I'd like to develop it some more: a barn, fencing, etc. But it's the living area I always dreamed of having.

our critters I can't imagine myself without sharing my life with some of God's creatures. Three dogs, two cats, and 10 chickens are enough. For now. I am thankful that none of us have allergies that prevent us from having these wonderful companions in our lives.

my family I am blessed to come from a large extended family, and can't imagine my life any other way. We gather religiously at every holiday, often in gatherings of 50 or more people. They are an amazing group, and a source of strength in my life.

my job While sometimes I lament not being a SAHM, the truth is I like my job. I work with people I genuinely care about, I've learned a multitude of new skills, I'm respected in certain circles, there is opportunity for broadening my horizons. Add to that decent pay and amazing benefits and I have truly been blessed in this area.

our church Our church is amazing. The outreach to the community, the opportunities to serve, the teachings, the friendships... we have gained so much by joining this particular house of worship.

our finances While things could certainly be better, and they have, we are doing okay. We can pay all of our bills, and even have a little left over. Plus we have some in savings. All in all, we're doing well.

social media I end on the medium that brought me to blogging: social media. I started blogging via MySpace, and eventually expanded to a "real" blog. I've met friends thru blogging that turned into real life friends, I've reconnected with old friends via MySpace & Facebook, I've met friends via message boards, and shared my thoughts on Twitter. Social media has been good for me.


Please pray for me to continue to turn my mindset around. And as always, thanks for checking in!

Monday, August 19, 2013

Advice for my Daughter

1 - Know that you are loved. Always. Forever. Loved.

2 - That part of you that is of strong mind, and strong opinion, and knows what  you think and doesn't mind saying it? Never lose that.

3 - Good manners are important. Have good manners. Surround yourself with others who have good manners.

4 - Learn how to change a tire.

5 - Learn how to change your oil.

6 - Learn how to use a drill.

7 - Learn how to shoot a gun.

8 - Everything you learn to do, learn the proper way to do it. Learn the basics, the fundamentals. Don't take the "easy" way out. No cheats. Learn it right.

9 - We have taught you that there are consequences to every thing that you do. Doing good brings good consequences. Doing bad brings bad consequences. That will not change.

10 - Never let anyone convince you that your shyness is a fault, something to be corrected. It is how God made you, and that's okay.

11 - Work hard. Most of your success in life will be based not on luck, but on work.

12 - I love you. Always. Every minute of every day. Even when we fight.

13 - Memorize your license plate and important phone numbers. Doesn't seem as necessary in our digital age, but there will be a situation in which you cannot access your stored data via electronic device. Have it in your head as well.

14 - Memorize Bible verses. And worship songs. No one can ever take away what you have stored in your heart and mind.

15 - Never approach a strange pet without first asking the owners. Even when you are grown, this is just good practice.

16 - Play outside. Sit outside. Be outside.

17 - You are beautiful. Never let anyone convince you otherwise.

18 - Meet people from different cultures, who speak different languages, who look differently than you. Make friends with them. Love them.

19 - Work harder at the things that are hard for you. Don't take the easy way out.

20 - Delayed gratification is always better than instant gratification. Always.

21 - Learn how to cook. Have at least a few meals that you can do well.

22 - Learn the basics of sewing.

23 - Listen to your father.

24 - Participate in the arts. Music. Dance. Painting. Choose your medium, but be artistic. There is a divinity in creating beauty that cannot be experienced elsewhere.

25 - Know why you believe what you believe. Test it. Repeatedly. Question it. Challenge yourself. Stretch yourself. But know this for yourself.

26 - When you find the one whom your soul loves, hold on to it. Tightly. Dearly. Fight for it. Don't ever take it for granted or let it go without a fight.

27 - Never let a man hit you. If he hits you, he does not love you, no matter what his words say.

28 - Work to figure things out for yourself. But be willing to ask for help when needed.

29 - Celebrate the holidays. Have traditions. Enjoy yourself.

30 - Learn the difference between like, lust, and love. Sometimes the lines can seem blurred. Don't let them blur.

this post inspired by this post

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Who doesn't love bacon?

Jason: Jena, do you know what comes from pigs?

Jena: Bacon

Me: Yep. Bacon, pork chops, hot dogs, lots of things come from pigs.


Jena: And Bacon

Me: Maybe we should raise our own pigs for meat

Jena: Yeah!


Jason (chuckles): You couldn't do that, Jena!

Jena: Yeah I could!

Jason: You could take a cute little baby pig, feed it and take care of it, and raise it up, then kill it to get meat?

Jena: I could if we were out of bacon

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Just call me "mom"

I was gonna write this whole long post about the following terms, what they mean, and how they affect us:

working mom

I even had it started, was a few paragraphs in. Then I realized that even the most well-intentioned writings on this subject still tend to have the effect of fueling the fires of the mommy wars. That although I knew what I was trying to say, there was a high likelihood that someone would interpret it differently and take offense.

And I don't want that.

So instead of this long post where I ramble about my thoughts on the subject, I'm gonna simply get down to the point:

Maybe instead of having all these different titles at all, we should all rebel and start calling ourselves simply "mom".

Because the fact of the matter is that SAHMs work, and working moms are still homemakers. With rare exception, moms of every kind "do it all".

We're all doing the best we can to do right by our families, to raise our children in this crazy world.

So instead of labelling each other, instead of accepting labels for ourselves, labels that divide instead of unite, maybe we should reject the labels, call each other by our names, and if someone feels the need to ask what we do, we tell them:

I'm a mom.

this post inspired by this post

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Autumn Bucket List

With Autumn (my favorite season) rapidly approaching, my mind is already spinning with things I'd like to do this year. So what better way for this list-loving crazy to celebrate the upcoming season than to make an Autumn Bucket List?

This Autumn I Want To:

- have the house decorated for Fall by September 15

- have the house decorated for Halloween by October 1

- have the house decorated for Thanksgiving by November 1

- have a Halloween party. We've never hosted one before, and I haven't been to one in years.

- take Jena to a Pumpkin Patch. She's been asking every few weeks since we went last October

- take a fall-ish trip with the hubs. Our anniversary is in the Autumn, and I love a good romantic trip in the Fall weather.

- take Jena to see a marching band perform

- find a homeschool or distance-learning program to enhance Jena's education.
 Not necessarily enroll yet. Just research and find something we're happy with.

- read a book. An entire book. Paper or electronic version. Need to read more.

I'll try to remember to keep ya'll updated on my progress.

How about you? What's on your Bucket List for Autumn?


this post inspired by this post

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Girls Next Door


Do you remember the show "Girls Next Door"? It followed the lives of three Playboy Bunnies, who were also Hugh Hefner's live-in girlfriends.

I did. I loved that show. Loved it.

My uptight, conservative Christian, porn-hating self loved that show.

Then again, I'm fascinated with just about any show that portrays a lifestyle other than my own. Maybe I should have majored in anthropology instead of history. Hmmm...

But I digress.

For some reason, this show came to mind this morning, and as I thought about it, I realized that this show taught me something very important. Okay, maybe it in & of itself didn't teach the lesson, but I believe it was an instrumental part of the lesson.

And that lesson is this:

They're people too.

Everyone. Porn stars. Drug addicts. Gay people. Polygamists. Liberals. Conservatives. Muslims. Jews. Christians. Whatever. Fill in the blank with your own version of whatever lifestyle you disagree with. Maybe for you, it's me. Maybe you can't stand us self-righteous Christians. Got it? Whatever that is for you?

Well, guess what? Deep down beneath that part you don't like, they're just people too. Just like you & me.

I know, I know. You know this. I did too. I always knew it.

In my brain.

But the same time this show was on I was going thru some personal issues as well, and it was during this time that I came to know this truth in my heart. And there is a difference.

I watched this show, and followed their journeys, and somewhere along the way, it clicked.

Porn stars are people too. They hang out with their friends. They have relationship trouble. They worry over careers, and men, and babies. They're secure in some ways and insecure in others. They're intelligent in their own way, about their own things. They've had their own struggles, and paved their own way.

Just like all of us.

I can't pinpoint the exact moment that this head knowledge transferred to heart knowledge for me. I'm not sure there is an exact moment. More like an ongoing journey. But I'm glad it did. And for that reason, I'm glad this show came along.


What about you? Did you ever learn an important lesson from an unexpected source?

Friday, August 9, 2013

Quotes that Make You go "Duuuuhhhhh"

"Your body knows you're pregnant before you do."  -- commercial for First Response Home Pregnancy Test

"I'm just calling to find out what your hours are when you're closed.... No, like when you're closed. What are your hours?... Oh, you're just closed, huh?"  -- overheard phone conversation


What about you? What's the silliest thing you've heard lately?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

And I cried

We were at a pool party with some of Jason's business associates. Having a great time.

I was taking a break from the pool, standing on the edge, watching Jason & Jena play in the water.

One of the moms needed to run inside, and so handed her one-year-old son to Jason to hold for a few minutes for her.

I looked down to see my husband  holding a blond-haired, blue-eyed baby boy, as Jena looked over Jason's shoulder at the baby, a look of quiet happiness on her face.

And I cried.

If I had taken a picture at that moment, it so easily could have been a picture of our family of four. But it wasn't. Because we are a family of three.

And I cried.

I tried not to. I tried to push back the tears. I tried to tell myself all the wonderful things about not having another child. But still the tears came. I excused myself to the bathroom.


Lately I've found myself finding all the wonderful things about being a family of three:

- more (or different?) opportunities for Jena    We can give her more attention, more money for activities, vacations, etc. We can let her try and do pretty much whatever she  wants (within reason)

- multiple studies say that only children tend to be more successful

- other than a few accidents at night, she is 100% potty trained. No diapers! No pull ups!    This is not only a break from work, but gives our budget a break as well

- Jena sleeps thru the night, 9pm to 7am, consistently    No more sleep deprivation for these parents!

- Once we get thru this final year at our private preschool (where she will attend Kindergarten), no more paying for daycare / preschool!    Another huge break for our budget! We can pay off debt early! Weeee!

- She can pretty much get herself ready. When she wants to.    More & more every day. So much less work to both get out the door, and get her in bed. Finally!

And so much more. As wonderful as babies / infants / toddlers are, they are a lot of work. A lot of not-so-fun work. And we are thisclose to being done with that stage completely.


I am enourmously, immensely, intensely happy with my family of three. I am so in love with my husband and my daughter and us as a family. My desire to have another child has nothing to do with my happiness with them. Nothing.

In fact, I can think of a hundred reasons in my mind why not having another child is a good idea, even a better idea, than having another.

But.... but....

My heart still tells me that our family is not complete. I do not know how to explain this. My heart actually hurts at the thought of not having another.

I have no explanation for why. I can't even say it's because that's what I've always wanted. Because what I've always wanted is lots of babies. But I have this feeling deep in my chest that we are missing one. One child to complete our family. We are meant to be a family of four, and I know it somewhere deep in my bones.

And sometimes I think when my heart hurts, maybe it's because I miss this child, even though we haven't yet met.

Monday, August 5, 2013



It took me several weeks after my endocrinologist told me I probably wasn't ovulating / probably couldn't carry to term that I realized that that word now applies to me.

And we've been TTC for roughly eight months now, so that officially puts me in the "infertile" category, according to the guidelines out there for women of my "advanced" age.

Plus I've had multiple miscarriages (2) in a relatively short time frame (3 months), so, that also qualifies me for the term "infertile".

So, it's official. I'm infertile. I'm suffering from infertility. Whatever the proper terminology is.

I was sitting on the toilet when I first realized it. And I cried. Luckily I was at home.

I'm not gonna lie, it stings. That word stings. It stings in a there's-something-wrong-with-me sorta way.

I think for everyone, the struggle is different, but is probably more mental / emotional than physical.

For those who have been around for a while, you know that we always knew that there was a chance that Jena was our miracle child, that just because we conceived quickly did not mean that she wasn't our one-in-a-million. The reality of that is coming to pass.

We will not pursue fertility treatments. We will keep trying. We will let God do whatever it is God is doing.

And we will be fine. Sometimes I may cry, but we will be fine. Of that one thing, I am sure.


For more information on secondary infertility, click

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Bad Mommy Moment

Oh, the working mom guilt is putting in some overtime lately.

This year Jena realized that most of her friends don't go to school in the Summer. She also hates school (ie. she's bored, and is also ready to drop the mandatory nap). So we've tried to give her some "fun days" this Summer, before she starts Kindergarten in a few weeks and really has to be there every day.

Combine her fun days with several bouts of illness, and she's missed quite a bit of preschool over the past month. Much to her delight.

She also has figured out that if she's really sick, we will keep her home.

So guess who tries to convince me every morning that she's sick? Oh yes. It starts as young as four. It really does.

The other day I stayed home, sick with a stomach bug. Since I didn't feel up to driving, I just kept her home with me. The next day I felt much better, so proceeded to get both of us ready for work / school.

Cue the whining. But I'm siiiiiiiiick! I have a cough! (she did indeed have a very mild cough). Told her too bad, she's still going to school.

About a half an hour before we were to leave, she started telling me her tummy was "really warm", those being her words for nauseaus. I rolled my eyes and told her she was still going to school.

She seemed to realize it was a losing battle, but insisted she really was sick, and told me she'd do her best to not be around the other kids, but it was really hard at school.

{{ sigh }} okay. Fine. Whatever.

As a little background to the next part of the story, my office has an open office layout. So every morning as I walk in, I turn my phone to vibrate, because otherwise if it goes off approximately 75 people will hear it ring. It's a common courtesy.

That particular day I had lunch scheduled with a couple of co-workers. Something that happens maybe once every 3 - 4 months.

When I returned to my desk, I noticed I had 5 new voicemails. Weird. Checked my cell phone, which I had forgotten to turn back up when I left for lunch. Also 5 new voicemails. This cannot be good.

Scrolled thru the missed call list.



Jena had gotten sick at school. Twice. They had been trying to get in touch with me for two hours. First call came in probably as I was walking out the door. Last call was  right about the time I would be walking back in.

They had finally gotten in touch with Jason, who was finishing up a job for his business, had to drive home to drop off his work van, drive to my work to pick up the car seat, then pick up Jena.

Cue working mom guilt.

I cannot believe the one time my child gets sick at school is the one time I forget to turn up my phone. And while she's sitting in the office sick, I'm enjoying a great lunch with my co-workers.

I. Felt. Awful.

Still kinda do.

After all, she told me that morning her tummy was warm, and I didn't believe her. And then she does get sick, and I'm not there to pick her up.

Bad mommy moment.


There is one thing that makes me feel a tiny bit not-so-bad about the whole thing.

Ends up they didn't call after the first time she threw up. They thought it was a fluke. If they had called right then, I would have been sitting at my desk and could have been there in five minutes.

But instead they waited until she threw up twice before determining that it was a "real" illness.

While it makes me feel a tiny bit less guilty about the whole thing, it also frustrates me. Why? Because Jena has never gotten sick at school before. Ever. There is absolutely no reason to think that her throwing up is not "real". Because I just told the teacher & director last week how she had missed school because she ahd been fighting several different virus (viri?) over the past few weeks, so they knew she had been sick in the recent past. Because Jena (and I) have had a record number of illnesses this year. Different viri (viruses?), etc. I've been pretty convinced most, if not all, of them stemmed from preschool. And what do you expect? So for at least an hour after throwing up, they kept her in the classroom with all the other kids in close proximity. That's an extra hour to be spreading germs. And if you have a preschooler, you know just how easy that is. Does this make anyone else want to do a little

:: head desk ::


Anyway, that's my working-mom-guilt combined with preschool-frustrations post.

Any other working moms got some guilt to share? or maybe some preschool frustrations?

As always, thanks for checking in!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Better at This

I penned this one day while thinking of all the housework waiting for me at home, perpetually waiting for me, thinking of the piles of laundry, of the mess throughout, stressing over never getting it right, worrying over what lessons I am teaching my daughter about keeping a home.

I realized that somewhere in my mind I thought there was a magic switch that would turn on once I became a mom that would automatically make things like keeping a clean house, planning & cooking meals, and maintaining a beautiful flowerbed second nature.

I mean, if you had asked me, I would say "of course there's no magic switch", but the day-to-day reality of these things is so far from what I had expected, that clearly some little corner of my mind harbored this "magic switch" theory.

I was wrong. So very wrong.

If you've been following me for any time at all you know this has been a constant struggle for me. A constant battle. And if I lose a day of housework, just one day, due to busyness of life, or illness, or vacation... well, one lost day equals a month of catch up. There is no wiggle room for me to lose a day of housework.

So many days I feel like all is lost.

I try to console myself with what I did accomplish each day, listing out my accomplishments, but looking around it seems so small compared with what is left to do. Every day. Fighting a losing battle.

As I wash & fold load after load of laundry, struggling to keep my husband in clean uniforms, me in clean work clothes, and Jena in... well, in clean clothes - the mess piles up in the living room.

As I shift my focus to the living room, the kitchen sink overflows with dishes.

As I wash the dishes, the shower starts begging for a good scrub.

As I scrub the shower, my family complains for lack of clean clothes.

And thus the vicious cycle begins again.

It feels like a battle I can never win. Not just win, but not lose.

I hate that our house is messy. Hate it.

I also hate subsisting on 5 hours a sleep per night as I stay up past midnight, trying to get more chores done, and get up at 5:30am, to do more in the morning before work.

I have tried, for five years, to try to figure out how to fit in working full-time outside the home, handling all of the child care, most of the pet care, most of the errand-running, the vast majority of the cooking, and all of the housework. I know it my head that it's physically impossible, it can't be done, as there are only so many hours in a day.

But that knowledge alone does not keep me from feeling like I am failing my family, like I am failing myself, like I am not good at this wife & mother thing.

I push these feelings aside most of the time, but then once in a while, they come out. And sometimes when they do... I write.

As always, thanks for checking in.
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