Saturday, April 13, 2013

I had a moment

After we passed the second cycle trying without getting pregnant, I had a moment.

Okay, more like a series of moments that culminated into a thing, but still...

I know, for many out there, second cycle is not very long to be trying to conceive. Indeed, it isn't. But for me it was significant because that is the number of cycles it took to conceive Jena.

I think for the first two cycles I was in this constant sense of anticipatory stress... always waiting, wondering, watching, waiting, preparing, waiting, expecting, waiting...

But once that second cycle passed, there was something significant about knowing it wasn't going to happen as fast this time. I mean, I've known, since forever, in my head, but really getting past that date... something happened.

And I came to this place where I really grasped that we might get pregnant tomorrow, or next month, or next year, or 5 years from now, or... never.

And any one of those is okay.

I've truly reached a place where I am at peace with my child bearing future.

Whether we conceive shortly, or never, or any time in between... I know it's in God's hands and His plan is infinitely more perfect than anything I could imagine.

It's not a place I could have imagined before, to be honest. I don't know how to describe to you what it is like as a woman to not be on any form of birth control, yet not be anxiously waiting for that test date each month, either because we are so wanting a child, or so concerned that this isn't the right time.

It's very freeing, I can tell you that.

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