Sunday, October 21, 2012

My Fat Butt - activity

Well, here I am again. So for the past month I have reduced eating out back down to 35%, and kept soda consumption at around 22%. I made a point of eating more fruits & veggies, and was active for 5 days.

I know 5 days doesn't sound like a lot to many of you, but it's more activity than I'd gotten in the previous months, so it is an improvement, even if small.

And... I gained another 3 lbs. Officially back into my fat pants.

Disgusted with myself, and wondering if it's worth trying anymore. At least that's how I feel a lot of the time lately.

But other days I want to keep pushing forward. I'm making a point of packing my lunch every day at work. Selecting healthier options when we do eat out. Trying to think of new ideas to be active.

But I'm gonna be honest, mentally, emotionally, I'm struggling. Here I am again. I've done the work. I know I have. I've tracked it. I'm eating better, eating healthier. And gaining weight.

I've had to dig out my fat clothes (thankful now I didn't get rid of all of them), had to go shopping. The jeans I bought just a month ago I can't wear now. I desparately need nice-fitting work clothes, but we don't have the budget. So most days I'm wearing ill-fitting pants and one of a few polo shirts. And I do laundry like crazy just to keep up.

I find myself thankful that the weather is getting cooler. That I can hide my body under sweatshirts. Wondering how long I will be able to wear my sweatshirts, and how much longer until I'm wearing my husband's again, like I had to a couple of years ago.

I find myself playing a mental game. Hear my internal voice question myself. Maybe I am just a fat, lazy, slob. I could have tried harder. I could have worked harder, right? But then I argue back that if the work I have done resulted in a gain, then what would more work have done?

I find myself longing to be like some of my thin friends & family members. Who have never really struggled with their weight. Who lost all of their pregnancy weight via breastfeeding alone (plus an additional 5 lbs!), who notice their clothes getting snug, so diet for a week or so to get their weight back down, or stop working out, to have their only weight gain be to add back the curves they lost (ie. now they just look better).

I know, I know. They're not the majority either. But they're real too. Their stories are real too. I know them personally. And I find myself wondering what it must be like to be them. What's it like to not worry about what you eat? To be the person bringing your own tub of sour cream to the Mexican restaurant, not work out, and still be a size 2? What's that like? I find myself thinking about that a lot lately.

It's more than a month before my endocrine checkup. How much will I gain before then? What do I do till then? Do I keep up what seems like a futile struggle? Or stop stressing about and just try to enjoy life before I have to decide between fat or side effects?


Steph{anie} said...

I completely understand your thoughts. It's so hard to bust your butt (literally) just to watch others effortlessly maintain skinny figures. Looking at people like that makes you wonder why we have to struggle so hard to lose weight.

I have come to the point where I've realized that I will always struggle with my weight; however, I think it's the thorn in my side (that Paul refers to in 2 Corinthians 12) that will always remind me to draw close to God. Without it, I would be more self-reliant than dependent on Him.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

You have reminded me of what it was like when I started out on my weight loss journey. There were several weeks where the scale just would not budge and I guess I am just a stubborn butt that wouldn't budge either. So I kept on and eventually started to lose....very slowly. Then suddenly something must have kicked in because the weight started to come off much quicker, after several months.
Don't lose heart. Do what you must to find out what's going on and don't give up on your health. I say keep at your healthy choices. You are worth it!

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