Saturday, August 13, 2011

PPD related: Yeah, I recognize(d) this in me

I came across this posting a while back about indecisiveness as a symptom of PPD.

It struck a chord.

I can be indecisive at times anyway, but I distinctly remember... not caring, not knowing, wanting, but not wanting, probably being a general pain in the butt to those around me.

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), I also seem to remember being weak enough mentally & emotionally that, at least for a while, I just let everyone rule my life, accepted decisions, did as I was told.

It was enough for me just to make it thru the day. Making a decision and get thru the day? Geez! What more do you want from me?!?

I was fortunate enough to have those around me, mainly my husband and my mother, who I think saw this in me. Maybe they didn't realize it at the time, but they acted just how I needed them to... they told me what to do.

Sometimes I didn't like it. Sometimes I cried over it. Sometimes, it didn't seem fair. And sometimes I felt like I was losing control (duh, like I was in control anyway, right?)

Example? Sure. I only saw my Ob for PPD because my mommy told me to. I didn't think I had a problem. I thought it was normal "baby blues". But I was unable to make a decision, so mommy told me to make an appointment? Okay, I'll make an appointment.

See... sometimes it's a good things for others to take the reins in your life. As long as they are doing so with love, because there is a real need... this is why we need loved ones in our lives whom we trust. Because for each one of us there comes a time when we find ourselves relying on someone else, whether we realize it at the time or not.

Mostly... it was what I needed to happen, what our family needed to happen, so we could all get thru this period of time.

It's all a healing process, and reading that post, even now, nearly three years later, serves me. I didn't know why I was that way, other than that I knew I was weak in those moments. I had no idea that it could be a sign of PPD. No idea at all.

I didn't find that blog until after my treatment for PPD was through. But I still check it regularly. I love it because it's not your run-of-the-mill site, listing "usual" symptoms, telling you to talk to your Ob if you suspect you have it. It's written by real women, has links to real help, and resources for real families - all who have personal experience with Post Partum Depression.

1 comment:

Jene said...

I was lucky enough to avoid a case of PPD, and I'm thankful every day. Indecisiveness is one of the issues I have surrounding my OCD. Thankfully (?), I've had it for years and know how to manage it. I couldn't imagine suddenly being overwhelmed with these feelings just after giving birth and not knowing where they were coming from or how to handle it.

I'm glad you've decided to share your story in such a public forum.

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