Monday, September 25, 2017

I Need to Miss Them Sometimes

When I worked full time outside of the home I missed Jena every day. Every day I hated dropping her off at preschool and every day I counted the hours till I picked her up. I felt guilty for not being with her, for not spending my days with her. I planned short outings to squeeze in our precious time between work & preschool and bedtime. We didn't have much time together, but I tried very hard to make it quality time. I missed her. All the time.

Now, the picture is very different. Now, I stay home with my children. I even homeschool them. We are, generally speaking, together 24/7. Even when Jena participates in activities, I am there. Watching, cheering, encouraging, parenting, waiting... I'm always there. We're together. All the time.

And I love being with my kids. I find it hard to imagine sending them off to school 6+ hours a day five days a week. My heart aches at the thought of not being with them for such a huge amount of time.

I love it... and I don't.

You see, I find myself needing just the smallest bit of space. It comes on me at some point almost every day. Perhaps it's because I'm an introvert, and alone time refreshes me. Perhaps it's something else in my personality. Or maybe it's just something we all need sometimes.

I find myself eager for "rest time / quiet play". Eager for bedtime. Giddy when someone actually watches them for me for a few hours.

And then, of course, I feel guilty for feeling relieved to have some time to myself, some space.

I love it... and I don't.

It used to be that if Jason & I went away by ourselves that I missed Jena terribly, I could barely stand to be without her. The truth is that now when we get rare nights to ourselves, I don't miss my kids. My heart doesn't ache. Not for a few days anyway. Oh sure, it comes eventually. But that familiar ache used to hit as we drove away. Literally just a few miles down the road. Now it takes a few days before it sets in.

I know it makes sense, to a point. But I don't know that I like it.

I need to miss them sometimes.

I need a chance to feel that ache, to want to spend time with them. Really want to, really miss it. I need an opportunity to look forward to the time with my kids, instead of it just being part of my everyday routine.

I miss missing them.

I need to miss them sometimes.

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