Monday, May 14, 2012

I think he's already dead

I wrote the other day on how I strongly felt like it was over, that God had done all he was going to do.

It took me a while to realize why the feeling was familiar. It was the same feeling as when my father-in-law had died. I don't really know how to describe it, what to call it, but it's just this feeling that it's over. There is nothing more to do, nothing to ask God for, nothing to plead for. It's just over.

It was the same feeling.

And when I realized that, I shamed myself for lack of faith, for giving up on him.

It wasn't a conscious decision, just a feeling. But I had difficulty asking God for healing since that day. I just felt so strongly that He was done.

Last night, my sister & I were talking. The neurologist has said TheBoy is brain dead. There is no sign of any brain activity. The things they thought they saw yesterday he is quite sure are hopeful imaginings of his father. TheBoy was hooked up to an EEG the entire time, and there was not so much as a blip of brain activity. They were unable to put in the tracheotomy because his oxygen levels dropped so drastically when they took his breathing tube out, that they didn't have time to put in his trach. They almost lost him twice while trying. He cannot survive on his own.

They still won't use the words "life support", but he cannot live without his ventilator & feeding tube. There has been no sign of any brain activity.

My sister asked me: "If you're being kept alive by machines, if the only thing keeping your body alive is a machine, when does your soul actually leave your body?"

The minute she said that, I knew.

That's why a few days ago, my feelings suddenly changed.

He's dead. He had died. His soul had left his body.

There is nothing left to do. His body is just a shell.

The family has decided that they will make a decision 6 days from now. That gives a week to wait for any sign of recovery. Tests will also be re-run to check function.

I think we already know the answer.


Gina said...

So sorry. How awful. Prayer said.

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

That is the exact feeling I get and had even as a child when my family got so mad at me for 'knowing' already. It's just a feeling of things being already decided and it feels unnatural to fight it.

Jamie Miles said...

I just happened onto your blog. I am so very sorry about your nephew. I can offer prayers for wisdom, peace and healing.

Jamie said...

Hugs to you.

Diane said...

I am so deeply sorry. I had to go back and read some of your older posts to find out what was going on. Your family has been through so much lately. Praying for all of you...

Cwtch Cardiff said...

I'm sorry to hear this. You and your family are having such a difficult time at the moment. My thoughts are with you all.

Keeping on putting one foot in front of the other, sometimes it's all you can do. You WILL get there though.

Thinking of you and yours.


Katie said...

Oh my goodness, I've been out of the loop with this new baby -- I'm so sorry to hear of this tragedy! Sending prayers of comfort for you and your family your way!! (((HUGS!)))

Missy | Literal Mom said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. And your sister's family too. What a heartwrenching time you're going through. Hug.

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