Thursday, February 2, 2012

I suppose this is what they call a Faith Crisis

For the first time that I can recall ever in my life, I don't even want to pray.

There have been some things going on, and building up, and after they came to a head I am just at a loss as to what to do.

The fact is, I can't to anything.

I feel fairly certain that no matter what I do, nothing will change.

Which, I'm fairly certain, is the definition of hopelessness.

I know God knows my heart, which is a comfort, but no, I don't even want to pray about it anymore, because it seems like I have prayed a million times to no avail.

For the first time in my life I feel like (regarding this situation) whatever I do doesn't matter at all.

I can bust my butt, work my tail off, do everything I can think of, everything I should do, everything I'm told to do, every good piece of advice that exists, follow the Scriptures, pray my heart out... and nothing will change.

Or I can sit on my butt watching re-runs on NetFlix... and nothing will change.

So, what's the difference? Why keep working, pouring my heart into something, if nothing I do matters at all?

Well, I don't know why. At this point, I really don't.

Methinks NetFlix & I have a date tonight. Might bring the Oreos while I'm at it.

10 comments:

wifemotherexpletive said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
wifemotherexpletive said...

change the prayer if its not working, send blessings to the situation, send blessings to the people involved, to yourself as well as the others and even those peripherally involved. change the prayer and you will change as well...

Amber said...

Awww! I understand. You're not alone. I lost my faith during the fall out after the Sofa Super Store Fire. I won't lie, it's still a battle. Most days I can't even stand to hear talk about any religion. Hubbs is even worse about it than I am.

If I can tell you about my journey...

When I got to rock bottom, only to find out it wasn't rock bottom, I lost my fear of "bad" stuff happening. I realized that I had had the strength to handle all the crap that had happened up until then, and I would continue to be able to handle anything else that would come at me.

I lost my need for physical stuff.

I lost my need for someone else (even God) to prop me up, because no one else was going to be able to. The strength to keep going, I had to find in myself. And quite honestly, I didn't want to attribute something I had to work so hard for to someone else (even God).

I had to choose to do things because I felt it was right, not because I would get something out of it. I stopped waiting for my "reward" for being good and doing the right things and learn to accept that stuff happens that I can't control or change and it has nothing to do with me. How I act, what I say, or what I do did not change it. I had to release these kinds of thoughts.

I accepted that I could not control another's actions no matter how much I wanted too. I had to either accept them as they are -without resentment-, or let them go. If I didn't, it would continue to consume me. Extremely, painful thoughts considering I was a new mom and hadn't been married long (at the time of the fire).

I stopped making excuses. Period. I took a painfully long look at myself - and didn't like what I saw.

Most importantly, I realized I no longer laughed or was even happy...ever. Not depressed exactly, but not in a good place. I used to be known for being a "happy go lucky" kind of person, who made everyone laugh, and I was no longer that. I was consumed by all the crappy things going on. It changed the essentials of who I was and that was not ok. I had to change this. I literally make myself name 5 things that make me smile/laugh/happy every morning before I even get out of bed.

This has been a journey I've been on for about 4 years. Clearly, I haven't come full circle yet (i.e. - been able to find faith again) but I know no matter what may come _ I can handle it.


Blah, verbal explosion again. Sorry. But I hope I made you feel a little bit better and not alone!!! :) Happy Thursday!! Hugs!!

areyoukiddingme said...

Amber has some pretty good words for you ...

But as a short term fix, I'd go with Netflix and Oreos. :)

Sorry things are difficult right now.

Steph{anie} said...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." -Romans 8:26

That's what the Holy Spirit does...intercedes for us when we don't have the words to pray.

I've been there a LOT and let me tell you, I've come before God so many times with a prayer like "God, I can't even muster up the words to talk to you right now. I'm mad/frustrated/scared/sad, so I just ask that you hear my heart."

Love 'ya, friend, and I'm praying for you.

Fire Wife Katie said...

Oh hun, I've been there too! experienced the... helplessness. The not being able to change the outcome. Being forced to be a bystander as events unfold that affect your life, but that you have no control over. (((Hugs!))) have some oreo's, turn inward to the things that you can control, like improving on your talents, and focus on making yourself a stronger person spiritually, emotionally, and physically. (Easier said than done, I know -- pass the oreo's!)

A wise man once said,


33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Melani said...

Awesome comments from such awesome women!

I am in your shoes right now. I pray every day, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

The Serenity Prayer

Some times I feel it is working and other times I don't. Try to keep praying no matter what, I try to even though I feel soooo helpless.''=

Hugs

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

So many have said it so much better than I, so I will just add that I will wish peace and understanding to you and hope that your faith will carry you through.

Trina said...

We have all been there. I thought I lost my faith forever (spare you the details), and then I had my miracle baby that I didn't even "want" (aka plan, as a control freak). Here I find myself as the head of a theology department of a major Catholic high school.

You are not alone, and you are in good company, given the laments of Jeremiah and Job.

Job 23:8-17
New International Version (NIV)
8 “But if I go to the east, he is not there;
if I go to the west, I do not find him.
9 When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
when he turns to the south, I catch no glimpse of him.
10 But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.
11 My feet have closely followed his steps;
I have kept to his way without turning aside.
12 I have not departed from the commands of his lips;
I have treasured the words of his mouth more than my daily bread.

13 “But he stands alone, and who can oppose him?
He does whatever he pleases.
14 He carries out his decree against me,
and many such plans he still has in store.
15 That is why I am terrified before him;
when I think of all this, I fear him.
16 God has made my heart faint;
the Almighty has terrified me.
17 Yet I am not silenced by the darkness,
by the thick darkness that covers my face.

If you need to chat, hit me up. Peace and prayers.

Jene said...

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. I know we don't see eye-to-eye on the issue of religion (understatement of the year?), but I know how important your faith is to you and I really hope that you find some peace soon.

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