Tuesday, January 24, 2012

It probably comes off looking like pride...

... but I swear it's not.

I don't want to apologize anymore. To anyone.

It's not that I think I'm right all the time. Far from it.

It's that I'm tired of always being the one to say I'm sorry.

It just seems like lately - and by lately, I mean for the last few years - it seems like whether I am completely at fault, equally at fault, or a tiny bit at fault, it seems like I am always the one who apologizes, the one who takes the first step, the one who bends first, the one who takes the first effort to makes amends.

Am I talking about my marriage? Yes. I'm also talking about family relationships, friends, even work relationships.

And I'm tired of it.

Yes, I admit that sometimes I'm wrong. And I usually have no problem admitting when I'm wrong. And even if I'm only partially at fault - and let's face it, in most disputes both parties are usually partially at fault in some way - I'm usually willing to accept responsibility for where I have gone wrong, apologize, and try to heal the relationship.

It's just that... well, sometimes the other party has to be the one to say I'm sorry.

Let's face it. Statistically, it's an impossibility that everything is actually my fault.

But for me to be the one that always apologizes first, always takes the initial step to fix the problem in the relationship... well it leaves the impression that I am wholly to blame, and they get off scott free, never having to say "sorry", never having to adjust their behavior, never having to change anything.

So this time... I don't wanna say it. I wanna hear it. And I want it to be sincere.

And yes, I am accepting partial responsibility for the issue at hand. Partial. But I don't wanna say I'm sorry. Not because I don't think I'm at fault, not because I don't wanna accept responsibility, but just because I'm tired of it.

For once, I want the other party to take the first step, to meet me halfway and to get there first, to make the first gesture that they want to repair the relationship.

Maybe it sounds silly. Maybe it sounds prideful. At this point, I don't really care.

It's partially my own fault. I think sometimes I'm too quick to make amends, too quick to try to make nice. Sometimes, believe it or not, I can be a doormat. I don't mean to be. I just like to be nice to people. And I want people to be happy. But sometimes in efforts to make people happy, it seems like I get lost.

And I'm tired of it.


Amber said...

I don't think it's prideful to want someone else to make the effort too. I used to be just the same way. The one always making peace.

Then I had an asthmatic/ allergic kid.

For the last 3 years, I've felt like the bad person too for demanding those around me adhere to certain limits I set. Perhaps it was easier for me to justify my stance, and stick with it, because it involved my kids, but it caused a pretty big rift in my in laws side.

But you gotta do what ya gotta do, right!! Nothing wrong with not wanting to be a doormat! Saying NO is hard.

I whatever "it" is works out in your favor soon!

'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

It seems like you've been going through some tough stuff lately. It's never easy to always be the bigger person. You definitely shouldn't have to. Hope things work themselves out in a meaningful way.

Stacie, A Firefighter's Wife said...

I'm sorry. It sounds like you are weary "fighting the good fight". I pray that God will give you some rest in this area.

I have struggled with this for years. It is hard not to grow bitter and resentful. I have learned to say sorry for my part. Knowing I am right before God is huge. I don't want to be guilty of a prideful spirit like the other person. I also think it is OK to let another person (especially a Believer) know that you think they might have a problem with pride (saying sorry). Pride is a sin and it needs to be rooted out. It is also OK to have boundries if it is a continued problem.

Get on your knees, and ask God to convict. You first if you are wrong, confess it and then others if you know they are in sin. Ask God to help you speak in love to that person about their sin.

I have had to do this recently in my own marriage and it was hard. I had to speak some very painful truths to my husband that I had hid from him for years. It was so hard, but I had a peace because until he was confronted with his sin, he hadn't even known about it. Truth triumphed and changes were made! HUGE changes.

I will pray for you, my friend. Hang in there and again, "do not grow weary in doing good". Give it to the Lord. He is there for you and wants to carry that burden and give you wisdom on how to handle it.

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