Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Ends up, I'm angry

Who knew?

I didn't.

I don't didn't don't feel angry.

But... it showed up the other night. Out of nowhere. And to be honest, I'm not really sure what to do with this anger, how to process it.

I'm angry with my husband for not being on board with wanting more children.

And for making plans (in his head) for our future that are completely different from what my plans are.

And for telling me what I want is crazy.

I'm angry with my sister for moving half-way across the country.

I'm angry with one of my best friends for moving all the way across the country.

I'm angry with my ex for being so... weird... about stuff that it's virtually impossible to be friends with his wife anymore, because she & I were once really good friends. And I need good friends.

I'm angry with my brother for constantly twisting my words and making me out to be a bad person, even when what I'm trying to do is really good.

I'm angry.

All this stuff just came pouring out of me at once the other night. All this and more. I guess I've been holding it in. So much so that I didn't even realize I was feeling this anger inside.

My mind was flooded, overwhelmed with resentment at so many people, at God, at the world, at myself.

Apparently, I'm angry.

And I didn't even know it.

A few months ago an acquaintance of mine told me I was angry. And I was all like "ummm... no. Really, I'm fine. Doing the best I have in a long time. But thanks for your opinion"

Ends up she was right after all. Not sure what she saw, but she saw something I didn't. I totally didn't see this coming.

And I think the hardest part is that I'm angry, but I'm not.

I mean, I can't begrudge FireMan for wanting what he wants, or not wanting what I want. Just because we want different things isn't a reason to be angry with him.

I can't be angry with my sister because her husband lost his job and needed to move a few states away to find work to support their family.

I can't be angry with my friend because her husband needed to move across the country to find work.

I can't really be angry with my ex for being... weird... because exes are supposed to be weird to us after we break up.

I can't really be angry with my brother because he just has issues that he needs to deal with.

And I can't be angry with God because I know that He will work everything out for my good in the end.

And I can't really be angry with myself because I know that I am on my own journey and just trying to do the best that I can, which is also true of everyone I just mentioned.

So this anger is a different kind of anger, because while I am angry with these people, I'm really not. But I can't really say that I'm angry with God or myself or the world or anything like that either.

It's more like this very vague, but simultaneously very specific anger inside. And I have no idea how to process it because it's just such a different kind of emotion from what I've experienced before.

Or... (this thought comes as I type)... maybe it's still revealing itself. Maybe discovering that anger is just part of me discovering myself again. Maybe this is a process. Maybe this is part of the journey.

I guess that's it for now. Just watch out! Because apparently, FireWife is angry.

As always, thanks for checking in.


'Yellow Rose' Jasmine said...

This sounds like a pretty mature process you're going through. Seems as if you have a fair handle on things and yet know that there is a deep anger inside. It's good that you can step back and look at things while still expressing what you feel and also understanding where others might be coming from. I'm very curious to see what comes of this.

Steph{anie} said...

Love you friend!

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