Wednesday, July 6, 2011

"No, that is not a manatee. That is me in a wetsuit."

And no, you don't get pictures    =P

So, here's my confession. My so-embarrassing-I-cried-when-I-finally-admitted-it-to-FireMan-last-year confession.

He kept bugging me about doing the manatee tank. It had been too long since I had done it, I enjoyed doing it, it was something we could do together, etc.

So what was the problem?

I had gained so much weight that I no longer fit into my wetsuit.

The wetsuit I bought after FireGirl was born.

And wetsuits, for those of you who don't know, tend to be very stretchy, very... forgiving.

As I start to tell the story, I realize I never told you any of the story...
In 2010, for FireMan's birthday, I surprised him with a trip to Florida to dive in the hot springs and snorkel with the manatees. Like, I tucked away cash here & there for a year-and-a-half (small amounts so he wouldn't notice, any cash I received for my birthday or Christmas, etc), spent about two months planning it, called his boss to schedule his vacation, and surprised him with a certificate that said "We leave tomorrow".

Yes, you do wish I were your wife. Because I am that awesome.

And to answer the question before it's asked: yes, that was before our marital problems surfaced. Or at least before I saw them.

{{ mental note - seems like there's a whole 'nother post in there I could write on later}}
Okay. Are we all caught up now? Good.

So on that trip, as we were preparing for our first snorkel with the manatees, and I put on my wetsuit, I thought it felt a little snug, but, well, wetsuits are always a little snug. And mine zips up the back, which I should be able to do myself, considering the long zipper pull, but it was morning, and I'm not a morning person, and things just weren't working, so Hunny, will you please help zip me up?

It took about a half a nanosecond for both of us to realize the problem.

I sucked in. He pushed on me, and squeezed on the wetsuit, and pulled on the zipper.

Until the zipper broke.

It still zips (thank the Lord!), but pull tab? Broken. Won't even hold the string of the zipper pull anymore.

And this happened in front of other people.

I was humiliated. Embarassed. Mortified.

Self-esteem plummeted instantly.

I did manage to enjoy the snorkel, and the rest of the snorkels & dives on the trip. And FireMan mastered the art of sausaging me into my wetsuit.

Devestating.

That trip, in early 2010, was the last time I put on my wetsuit until last Friday.

I had managed, barely, to get thru that trip. But I also gained more weight after that trip. I never tried it, but in my head there was no way it would fit. And wetsuits are not cheap, so I didn't want to buy a new one, when that one was only a couple of years old and barely worn. And we have to be at the zoo so early, that if I rented one I'd have to pay two days of rental fees for a mere two hours of diving.

But mostly... I was embarrassed. Horrifyingly embarrassed. The thought of putting on a wetsuit, or trying to put on a wetsuit, in front of other people seemed like about the most awful idea in the world. I was ashamed of myself, embarrassed of my body, and just the thought of it made me feel about yay big.

Just the thought of it made me feel so bad, that one day last year, when FireMan was asking me yet again when I was going to go back, I finally broke down in tears, confessed why I hadn't signed up, and begged him to stop asking so I could stop thinking about it.

To his credit, he did not ask me any more after that. Even when he went by himself a couple of times.

Still nervous, I knew I had lost weight, so when the manatee keeper contacted me and said it had been too long since I had been there and I needed to either sign up, or quit... I signed up.

Yes, in saying that I'm also saying that if he'd given me that choice last year, I probably would have turned in my volunteer badge. I was that mortified.

So that, dear readers, is my confession. Something that up until now only I and FireMan knew. But now you.

4 comments:

Fire Wife Katie said...

Wow, how cool that you get to go do something like that! And yay for signing up, in spite of your previous experience. I have such a hard time getting past embarrassing moments like that.

Trina said...

I know how hard it is. I have a hard time doing things after those kinds of issues! I am glad you got back in with them, despite of the mishap. Such a cool experience!

Dysfunctional Mom said...

Good for you for losing weight and trying again. I know how hard it is to lose weight and I know that feeling of shame TOO well.

Steph{anie} said...

Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to tell you how many things I've avoided or put on hold because of my weight. Your plight is one I know all too well. It's sad when you're 23 and afraid to do things because of how much you weigh. Ugh, that's a whole blog series right there...think I'll quit while I'm ahead.

So proud of you for stepping out and signing up!

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