Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why I blog

I don't really remember why I started blogging. I think I just thought it would be a way to write down my thoughts.

But now... now I know why I blog.

I blog because you read me. You read what I write. Sometimes you comment on it. But mostly, you read it.

I mean, I still enjoy writing my thoughts down. Writing is enjoyable to me. But would I have kept up my blog for as long as I have without my readers? Probably not.

You think what I have to say is worth reading, worth paying attention to. That... is crazy to me.

My readership keeps growing, and I now get more hits per month than I ever though possible. Oh, I know it's not a lot compared to some of the big time bloggers, but it's a lot to me.

Honestly, even if only half of those who hit on my blog stay to actually read it, that's still a a lot. To me.

And it means a lot. To me.

See, if I'm being honest, I don't really feel heard in my "real" life.

Being the only administrative person in my entire division at work, an engineering division, I pretty much work alone, quietly in my cubicle in a corner of the office.
Oh, I keep the place running. I have a reputation for "knowing everything" and being able to "do anything", which is nice, but it's a rare occasion when anyone actually stops and talks to me. Really talks to me.

You see, not only do the rest of them work on engineering projects together, they travel together. And if you've ever travelled with others, that tends to build a rapport in & of itself. So they are all pretty tight-knit, travelling together, working on projects together.

And while they go out to various locations world wide, I stay here at my desk in Kentucky, by myself, plugging away at my tasks, keeping the office running.

And I used to be on water rescue. But after over two years of repeatedly (as in, at every detail) telling the officers that I was willing to do whatever they needed, just tell me what to do, I'm good at taking orders... after two years, I could still barely tie up a boat. They overlooked me in favor of... just about anyone else, it seemed.

When I got pregnant I settled into a more administrative role, or so I thought. Met with some of the officers, took meticulous notes about what they wanted me to accomplish. And did so. Or so I thought.
Was told that I hadn't done anything they'd asked. Reviewed my notes, and tried to show them that I'd done everything they'd asked. But they wouldn't listen.
I'm confident that I did what they had asked of me, and done it very well. Why? Because it was the same sort of things I do at work, which by all accounts, I do very well. Not to toot my own horn, but the phrase "walk on water" has been used in my reviews more than once. People may not talk to me, but I'm darn good at what I do.

It was almost as if they had it in their head from the beginning that I was useless to them, and so just never even heard me, wrote me off from the beginning.

Until I finally left.

And yes, even my beloved FireMan. He does this... thing. I will tell him something, or suggest something to him. And he'll either have very little reaction, or maybe a negative reaction. And then a few days will go by, or a week, or even two, and he'll be telling me about his day at the firehouse, and he'll say, "So-and-so said _______ " and he'll repeat the exact same thing I had told him previously!

And he says it in this tone of voice that says it's the very first time he's heard it, as if it's a very interesting tidbit of information (whereas I got very little reaction), or a positively accepted piece of advice (whereas I got a negative reaction).

You know why he acts as though it's the very first time he's heard it?

Because it is.

Because he doesn't even hear me.

No one does, I sometimes think.

But you do, my lovely blog readers. You read me, you hear me.

And sometimes, when my (pitiful) little self feels like no one hears her, she comes on here and checks her stats. And feels just a wee bit better about herself.

Because someone hears her.


Melani said...

I feel some days that no one "hears" me either, which is why I end up yelling some days more then others. You only have one kid and well I have 4, LOL so that might explain it!

Currently trying to potty-train my 3.5 yr old son. I love to read blogs and post comments and write, it feels good to know someone is hearing you!

Candace said...

It was as if I could have written this myself. I never feel... heard. I hear ya, girl! Can't wait until May! :)

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