Tuesday, April 26, 2011

FireGirl is growing up way too fast

And this has been causing me some anxiety lately.

Not sure "anxiety" is exactly the right word. Mental duress? ha!

I bounce back & forth between thinking this is normal mommy feelings, and this is completely unreasonable.

I just can't believe how big she is. How grown up she's getting. She's not a baby anymore. She's a little girl. In some ways she's a big girl.

Of course she'll always be MY baby. Forever and ever and always. Even when she's grown.

Of course, me being me, I try to figure out WHY I'm feeling this way. Usually when I'm on the this-is-completely-unreasonable end of things.

Let's see...

She starts her new preschool in five weeks. She'll go three days a week. Full days.

That seems more like "real" school. So that probably has something to do with it. Right?

And it just seems like she's developing really quickly here lately.

Her speech continues to move ahead at lightening speed. It's clearer & clearer every day. Phrases getting longer & longer.

She picks up on things so darn quickly. Always has, really. But now that she can talk & communicate with us, it's just so incredibly obvious how fast she's learning.

She's so polite. Says "please" and "thank you" like such a little lady.

She's a great nurturer. You should see her with her dolls. And her stuffed animals. And the infants at the sitter's. Her sitter says she's a great helper, and one of her favorite things to do is help with the babies. I've seen it with my own eyes.

I think seeing MY baby take care of HER babies just reinforces to me how big she really is, you know?

And she's growing physically. Again.

Honestly, it's not such a big deal at this point, but I really do hope her height slows down before too long. For her sake. Let's face it, in our society a very tall girl just has a harder time. Same with very short boys. It's not right, but it's how it is.

That being said, at two-and-a-half years of age, some of her 3T shirts are just starting to show her belly. Which means the rest of the 3T shirts are soon to follow. So we have begun buying 4T shirts. For our 2 year old. Hrmph.

And if my hunch is correct, her body is gearing up for another growth spurt in the near future. {{sigh}}

And those of you that have been following my blog for even a short while know of the... discussion... between FireMan and I regarding having more children.

As much as I'm trying to hold out hope, I think there's a part of me that is giving up.

No more babies.

Which means that my baby, my ONLY baby, isn't even a baby anymore.

And the thought of that, the thought of not having a baby anymore, of not having a baby in our house ever again... yeah... since I'm starting to cry as I write this, I'm gonna go with that being the root of my "mental duress".

Oh, it's not fair.

And I try to tell myself I'm being silly, I'm being stupid, I'm being selfish.

Because I am sooooooooooooooo blessed. So very, very blessed. And I know that.

Please, I don't want anyone to think for a second that I take FireGirl for granted, that I don't appreciate her for how amazing she is, for what an enormous blessing she is in my life.

I know I am blessed to have her, to have even one baby, to have my FireGirl.

But... oh, I really didn't intend this post to turn out this way. It was supposed to be all about my anxiety about her growing up. And then I started rambling. Oh.

I'm gonna leave this post as is. Because it's honest. Raw & honest. Unedited. Who I am at this moment. What I'm dealing with right now.

But I am going to stop this post here. Even though it somehow seems unfinished. I just think it's better that I end it here than keep rambling.

As always, thanks for checking in.


Marianne said...

My heart aches for you, I remember that feeling so many times at so many different stages. Matter of fact, they haven't stopped yet. I hope that FireMan has a change of heart and you get a chance for another baby and a sister for FireGirl. I think everyone needs a sibling, someone to confide in, share and fight with, and be able to complain about their parents with. My true best friend is my sister, don't know what I would do without her!

Steph{anie} said...

I'm pretty sure my eyes watered up reading this, both for your love of FireGirl and your desire to have another baby. I really hope FireMan changes his mind, because you both have so much love to give a child. Your heart is probably pretty conflicted, I'm guessing...praying for peace!

Melani said...

They do grow up too fast. I can remember when my adult child of 18 was a baby!

Just enjoy your time with FireGirl and take lots of pics and make memories, that is my best advice.

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