Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Oh yeah, so how have I been dealing with the loss of FireKitty?

Okay, I guess.

It definitely seemed to affect me more than anyone else. Although Jena has started talking about her again. The other night we were saying our prayers at bedtime, and she said "Pray Tess feel good". I finished the prayers blubbering.

My mom said she's not surprised at how upset I got. She said it's "in me" to be that way. I've always attached myself to the animals I'm around.

It actually surprised me. I didn't realize how attached I'd gotten to Tess in the short nine months she was part of our family.

But... grieving is just par for the course, right?

The real issue I've had is with anxiety. I can still feel it, rising up in my chest, every time I drive home. Every time. It's worse if I'm driving home after dark, as it was dark when we got home that night.

I now get out of the car, lock the car doors, unlock the front door, go into the house, and do a quick survey of the house before I go back to get Jena out of the car.

If Jason is with us, he must go in first, before I'll even get out of the car.

And I think I'm driving him nuts asking, and re-asking, if he's checked the doors, checked the locks, etc.

I've always been good about locking doors myself, but now I'm fanatical.

Before I go out the back door, for any reason, I lock Tucker in the spare room, and then still exit & return as quickly as possible. Yes, even now that we have the underground fencing keeping the dogs from coming too close to the entranceway (by the way - Buddy & Flopsy understood the new perimeter right away, within a few hours).

Tucker has gotten shoo'ed away and yelled at more than once, if I catch him too close to any of the doors while someone is entering / exiting. Sometimes I think he does it just to freak me out.

Every now and then I have some horrific scenes roll through my mind's eye. Some of them what I imagine happened that night. Some of them anxiety-inducing visions of what I might find has happened to Tucker when I come home. I wish I could get these scenes out of my head.

I'm wary now of someone breaking in. Something I always had a small amount of anxiety about when I lived in the city or suburbs, but what I had never experienced in a rural area before. I was, in fact, before this happened, telling a "city boy" co-worker of mine how much more relaxed I am now that we live out in the country, how much more comfortable, how much less anxiety (he's exactly the opposite - it was an interesting conversation). But not so much anymore. It is quieter though, so strange noises are more easily heard, and identified.

I'm assuming hoping that this anxiety will fade with time. Although part of me hopes that it doesn't. It does make me much more diligent in our home security, especially with regards to Tucker.

So... that is how I'm doing. Dealing with it. Just not always well.

Thanks for checking in.

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