Wednesday, June 2, 2010

This is why you don't lie.

My husband lied to me. Big time. Lied. Deceived. Betrayed. Big. Time.

And I am wounded.

Before you ask, no he didn't cheat. And no, I'm not telling you any more details.

You don't really need to know any more.

He lied. More than once. To my face. And we're not talking little white lies here. We're talking big giant relationship killer lies.

And I thought I had trust issues before.

This is what we focus on during my therapy sessions. My trust issues. Which are now a million times worse than before.

Because my husband lied to me.

Do you get what I'm saying?

I don't trust my husband.
My partner in life. My spouse. The father of my daughter. My husband.
I don't trust my husband.


Because he lied.

So why don't you lie? Because then people don't trust you.

Sometimes I don't know why I bother talking to him anymore, or asking him questions, because I wonder about everything he says. Everything. He could tell me he's wearing a green shirt, and I would wonder if it were really blue.
I wonder where he's going, what he's doing, who he's with. All. The. Time. Because I don't trust him.

This drives him crazy. He hates that I don't trust him. I think in some ways it hurts him, to know that his wife doesn't trust him.

But I can't help it. He lied. Big time.

I'm working on my trust issues. But it takes time. Every time that I find him telling the truth, builds that trust back up, just a little bit. And bit-by-bit, little-by-little - if I do my work & he does his - we'll get there.

What really breaks my heart is that it will never be the same. We can't go back. Other women told me this, women whose husbands betrayed them. They said it's never the same. Even years later there will be moments when you will wonder. I didn't want to believe them. But then my therapist said the same thing. She said we'll never be back 100% to where we were before. 98% maybe. 99% if we're lucky & both do the work, and let time pass. But never 100%. There will always be that speck of doubt in my mind. That's the first time I broke down in cried in my therapy sessions. When she confirmed that we can never go back.

Anyway, a bit of a tangent there, but it all ties in.

This is why you don't lie:
It hurts people that you love.
It hurts your relationships.
It hurts your reputation.

"Lying lips are abomination to the LORD: but they that deal truly are His delight."  -- Proverbs 12:22

1 comment:

Steph{anie} said...

I'm so sorry! I can only imagine the heartbreak you are feeling right now. I can't say anything to make you feel better but I will tell you that I'm praying for both you and your husband. Hugs!

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