Sunday, May 2, 2010

Putting it Out There

Because I think I need to to get better.

Sometimes, I really, truly, honestly think I might have a food addiction. Or an eating disorder. Or both.

Eating, and food, is a constant battle for me. Constant. I plan when I'm gonna "cheat". I sneak food when my husband is at work. And I feel powerless.

Well, not totally. I win battles sometimes. Sometimes I say 'no' to the food. But for every battle I win, it seems like I lose two or three.

I try not to have snack food or soda in the house. Why? Because if it's there, I will eat it. Period. I am weak, so removing the temptation is my only control.

I try to only buy what groceries are on the list, and make sure those are only what we need. I do not stray from the list. This means that we are often running low on food, because I don't purchase extras. Seriously, our cupboards & fridge are probably the most bare you've ever seen in a family of three. But that is my control. That is my way of limiting the temptation.

I cannot express to you how constant this battle is. How often my mind turns to food. How difficult it is to walk thru a grocery store.

I know, if you've never struggled with food issues, that you probably won't understand. But it is not as simple as "order the salad". It is not as simple as "eat more veggies". It is not as simple as "eat less". It's not. And let's face it, you can't quit cold turkey. Not with food. Food is essential to life. And I know full well there are people that don't understand the struggle. But I also know that there are plenty of people out there that do understand.

The only time I remember not having this issue, is when my previous family physician put me on Meridia. He had watched me struggle with my weight, and after several other efforts with no success, decided the medication was worth a shot. He was right. It was while I was on the drug that I first realized that I might have an addiction. Why? Because I noticed the release, the freedom. I didn't think about food. Meridia may not be indicated for anything more than an appetite suppressant, but I will tell you that for me, not only was I not has hungry, I didn't have cravings either. Like none. Well, maybe a little during that time of the month. But seriously, the difference was amazing. It's like not knowing that you're sick, until you're well, and you can feel how much better you are.

I don't want to sound like I'm promoting the medication in any way. I'm simply sharing my journey with you, and that was my initial realization that I might have bigger problems than just overeating.

So... for so many reasons: my continued fight with PPD, family issues, work issues, but mostly my own issues - issues I have been fighting for years, I have decided to seek therapy. I'm still figuring out where to go, what my insurance will & won't cover, how to figure out who's reputable, etc. Plus I would really like find a Christian therapist, who will counsel me with God's word in mind, but also is trained to deal with the issues that I have.
I also think I am going to meet with my current family physician, and ask if he will put me back on the Meridia. It helped me last time, I am hoping it will help me this time.

So, there it is. I've said before that blogging is my therapy. So... there. I put it out there. Because I think being open about my issues is the only way I'm gonna find healing.

As always, thanks for checking in.

1 comment:

Nota said...

It took a lot of courage to write that out loud. Unhealthy secrets only feed on themselves when you keep them hidden like that - it's a horrible cycle, especially if you're an emotional eater. You sneak the food, then you feel bad, so you sneak more or cheat more, then you feel bad some more and like a failure, so something decadent stretches out its welcoming arms to you...

Food never says no. Food never rejects you. Food never acts unloving or unkind to you.

But food isn't a human being. It's not a good friend, or a loving family. It can't ever give you the things you need from a human.

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