Friday, December 18, 2009

Do you ever just want to give up ??

I do.

A lot lately.

It just seems... like I'm never good enough. For anyone. Work, home, boss, family, extended family, friends, whatever. No one's happy with me.

I can't tell you how many times in the past few weeks I've thought about packing up the car, taking FireGirl, and just driving. Just. Driving.

Sometimes I think I must just really suck this badly. I must just really be awful.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm terribly misunderstood.

And it seems like just when I start to feel good about myself again, something happens, someone says something, and it all goes out the window.

FireMan would tell me to stop worrying so much about what other people think. But when those people are people you care about, who seem to care about you, and they express such negative feelings about you, then how can you not care about what they think? If the people who are supposed to care about you the most think that badly about you, then what does everyone else think? Right?

Sometimes I think maybe it's my PPD.
But then I get angry because then that implies that it's all my fault. Again.

I'm tired of everything being my fault. I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm tired of not being good enough.

But if it is my PPD, I don't want it to go without getting more appropriate treatment. Whether it's counselling, a higher does of my meds, a different med, whatever.

But I'm really tired of it being my fault. I want it to be someone else's fault for once.

I just don't know what to do anymore. This goes beyond FireMan. It goes beyond my job. It goes beyond FireGirl. It's just... everything. And I am at a loss.

2 comments:

Nota said...

Something to consider...even the people you care about most

are flawed.

When you feel like you are not good enough, remember that. Everyone carries their own baggage, and the reason that someone may not find you 'good enough' (whatever that is) may be more about their baggage than it ever will be about you. I'd also have to ask myself 'what does "good enough" mean for them?'. Maybe it means that your house is spotless, you've got millions in bank, and your child acts like a little robot. To you 'good enough' might mean that your little girl laughed with you today. Separate what you believe from other's OPINIONS. It will make your life much simpler.

Secondly, in the heat of an argument, my H once said something very powerful to me (as I am a data based person). He said 'statistically, it is impossible that I am the one that is wrong 100% of the time'. You can't argue with that. It can't be you 100% of the time.

I repeat, even the people who love you the most are flawed.

Jene said...

I think Nota summed it up perfectly, and I couldn't add anything more to what she said.

I'm sorry you're struggling like this.

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