Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Lonely & Frustrated

My husband is gone all... the... time. And I get lonely.

Right now he's gone 36 hrs, home 36 hrs.
Of course, there's sleep time in there. And the hours that I'm gone to work. And whatever time he wants to spend volunteering with Water Rescue. And helping his dad cut firewood, or whatever. And... I get lonely.

Lately I've been lonely a lot. I dropped Jena off at my parents the other day, and cried on my way home. Why? Because I missed her? Sure. But mostly it was a pity party for myself, because I was going home to an empty house. I was lonely. No one to talk to.

I'm sure the people at Kroger think I'm nuts. When I go grocery shopping with Jena, I talk to her the entire shopping trip. Ask her opinions on things. Just talk.
Why? Because I have more words that are trying to get out of my mouth, and no one to say them to. So I say them to her.
I also talk to Tucker quite a bit. And Tootsie has taken to listening to me in the mornings, while Buddy tends to listen better in the evenings.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

I go to work, where I sit in a corner cubicle. By myself. Today, for instance, in the 20 seats nearest to mine, there are three other people. The closest one two seats away. And all three of them are managers or above, and so have been in & out of meetings all day.
And none of them do what I do anyway. I'm the only administrative specialist in my entire division. I'm also the only "temp". Which means I have no one to commiserate with. No one to talk to. All day. Every day.

Did I mention I'm lonely?

And then I go home, to just me & Jena most nights. And I talk to a 13 mo. And she's a joy. But I'm lonely. And then she goes to bed. And I'm alone. Just me & Tucker. Alone.

Which leads me to the frustration part of this posting.

Between work, and taking care of Jena, and family obligations & such, I struggle to keep a neat house. STRUGGLE. It's a constant battle. And I feel like I get very little support from Jason. Which just makes it worse.

I understand that when he's gone, he works very hard. But I also understand that if they don't have any runs to go on, he gets to nap, or play video games. I have also done the math and figured out that he has more waking hours at home than I do.
So, for example, yesterday he's off. So he watches Jena while I go to work.
Oh, as background, I busted my butt all weekend to get our house clean. Still not done, still not perfect. But cleaner & looking better than it has in at least a year. Seriously. Busted my butt.
So he's off yesterday. And what do I come home to?

Jena's cereal bowl from breakfast still sitting on the couch, where he fed her about 10 hours earlier.
Jason's dirty sweatshirt draped across the couch.
Jena's toys strewn across the living room floor.
Remnants of the crackers that he had given Jena crumbling all over the house.
A half-full sippy cup lodged in a shelf on our entertainment center.
A sink full of dirty dishes.

So what did he do all day? Well, that I don't really know for sure. But he did tell me that he got in a nice 2 hour nap during Jena's afternoon nap.
When does Mommy get to nap?

So, I'm frustrated. I so want to scream at him, or throw things, or just go on strike. I feel really unappreciated. I worked my butt off to get that house in order, and in just a few short hours come home to a mess. Nice.
Oh, and did I mention that once I'm home, he considers himself "off"? So now that I put in 8 hrs at the office, and come home, he gets to watch TV, play on the computer, or otherwise relax, while I have to make dinner, do dishes, tidy up the house, try to get some laundry done, bathe Jena, feed Jena her dinner & snack, get Jena's clothes ready for the next day, and do all of this while Jena hangs on my legs and Tucker winds himself around my feet. And Jason sits there.
But I do get his point of view as well. He's been gone for 36 hours, then watched Jena during the day, so he feels like he deserves to rest now & enjoy his evening. Which he does.
But don't I deserve to rest too? When does Mommy get to nap?

So I'm frustrated. How do you tell someone who works really hard that you need more from them? That you need their HELP?

So I'm frustrated. And lonely. And ready to throw in the proverbial towel.


Unknown said...

If I get upset or need help from my man I just tell him. He usually asks anyways, I hardly have to ask but when I do he is ready to do whatever.

Maybe if you ask your husband to help out more around the house he will. Make a chore list lol...

When we get done with supper Scotty cleans up the table and dumps everything we didnt eat and loads the dishwasher. That is always a big help

Cynthia said...

When I need help from my H, I usually start a day or two in advance with 'Hey, can I get your help for a power hour or two of cleaning on Saturday. There's a lot that needs to be done around here, but if we both pitch in and move fast, I'm sure we can be done pretty quickly. One person shouldn't be cleaning up behind two alone.' When he knows that all I want from him is an hour or two - and not the whole day, then he's usually onboard, even if my hour and his hour don't happen simultaneously. Also, I tell him specifically where I need help in that hour - 'can you run a broom across the hardwoods and take x,y and z down to the basement?'. I keep the chores simple and fast. I save the stuff I'm picky about for me to do myself. In addition, any time that he's just standing around talking to me (i.e., when I'm cooking dinner or folding laundry), if he's on his feet, I ask for help. He can sweep the kitchen while I cook. ASK DIRECTLY and have a sit-down about how you feel on the childcare issue. He isn't babysitting when you're out. It isn't babysitting when it's your own child. He's accepting responsibility - which is his responsibility as much as it is yours. You have a partnership - that's a word I use a lot in my house. Neither one of us runs the place, we have a partnership.

Now, as for the lonely part. I'm going to be brutally honest with you here. That's you're own fault. If you are lonely - that's all on you. It has NOTHING to do with your husband being at work, or his work schedule. You have the ability to get out of the house, pick up the phone, make friends beyond your family, reach out to family members, find activities for you and your daughter to do beyond errands, get involved in church groups or mothers groups. It is no one else's responsibility to keep you company or call you to do something. You need to take control of that and make a better effort to make and reach out to girlfriends. Own your own role in your loneliness. You're the only one to blame for it.

Marianne said...

I've found out that generally you have to ask men for their help. I used to do it all myself, and the longer I worked at it, the madder I got. Sometimes he would ask what my problem was and I would tell him how mad I was that I was doing all the work while he sat there...he would say "why didn't you just say something, I would've helped". So now I do - apparently they need an invitation to help. So now I ask, I still mostly do it myself, but it's nice to know he's there when I need him.

Also, years ago when my kids were very small, I flew to visit my sister for a few days by myself while he stayed home with the kids. He really appreciated me more than ever when I got home. I really don't think they truly know how MUCH we do until they have to do it all.

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