Friday, October 23, 2009

Life without Mirrors

or photographs. or video. or any way to see ourselves at all.

What would this life be like?

I vote: better. happier.

The week we were on our cruise, the only mirrors available were head high - meaning all you could see was essentially your portrait. No way to check on how your body looked in a certain outfit, nothing.

And I was happy. And I felt good about myself. And I was confident. And I felt attractive. I daresay on occasion I even felt sexy.

And then we came home. And I was still feeling pretty good. Until I saw the pictures of me from our trip. And was reminded of how much weight I have to lose. And was disgusted with how fat I looked.

I know. This post says more about me and my personal struggles than anything. But I have to wonder. How much better would life be without any way to judge how you looked?

Do you ever wonder if you need professional help? Seriously. Sometimes I think this is a bigger issue for me than it should be.
I mean, on our trip, I felt really good about myself. I knew full well that by conventional standards I wasn't as attractive as the other women on the cruise, but I didn't care. I achieved a lot last week. Had a lot of firsts. Spent some great quality time with my hubby. I was confident. I was fun. I sought out adventure. I liked who I was.
Now? Back home, remembering how fat & gross I am? I have no confidence. I pretty much think I stink at everything. I wonder what people think when they see me. I'm not motivated to do much. And I dare say all this makes me less fun & less attractive.
Maybe I do need help.

Ugh.

2 comments:

Nota said...

What new adventures and personal 'firsts' are you seeking out while you're at home? You don't have to go on vacation to challenge yourself to try something new and get that good feeling.

You just need to work on that internal dialogue. Instead of thinking about how your body looks in a photo - focus on your expression. Say 'wow - that woman in the photo is laughing and looking like she's having a really good time. Check out that 'come hither' look she's giving the hubby! She's got some confidence!' Pay no attention to the lady below the neck - lead with your brain and your body will follow.

Marianne said...

Honey, you are exactly the same person you were while on that trip. I really wish I were a thin person, but my genes say I'll never be as thin as I want to. I've learned to be happy with "who" I am, not "what" I look like. You have so much going for you...you are smart, beautiful, talented and have a wondreful baby and hubby to boot. Don't live your life regretting and wanting, live it being who you are today!

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